FedEx refuses shipment of made-up stuff, empty cans

This, I think, is rich: I just got back from the FedEx on Queen Anne, where I had been trying to ship a box of products from Greenwood Space Travel Supply to a potential client, just as samples of my packaging work.

I had them in a paper bag, mostly a collection of metal pint cans and a couple of brown apothecary jars. I was worried about how to pack them so they wouldn't break, so I went up to the FedEx guy with the bag and asked him what kind of box I should use. He immediately pulled out—I think just by chance—the bottle of "Rocket Fuel," which has a label that looks like this:

FedEx guy: Is this really what this is? Rocket fuel?
Me [laughing, used to this reaction from being at the space-travel supply store]: Oh, no, no, no. Of course not. It's... made-up. Kind of a joke. It's actually full of sugar, which I just put in to give it some weight, but that's all it is.
FedEx guy: You can't ship this.
Me: But... it's just sugar! What, uh, what if I empty it out? It doesn't really need to have sugar in it.
FedEx guy: No. They would still x-ray it, and then you'd get a call when it was en route. I don't think it would make it.
Me: Hmmm. I really need to get this out... but I guess I don't have to ship the "Rocket Fuel" can. What about the rest?

The FedEx guy then grabs cans of nitrogen (N₂) and neon (Ne), with their store-advertised "purity" of 78.084% and 0.0018% respectively (which was our way of being clever about selling cans of normal air, since that's their percentage in the atmosphere—which, of course, was our way of making more money for 826 Seattle by selling products that cost almost nothing to produce). Here's what the atmospheric gas cans look like on the shelf:

FedEx guy: Nope. You can't ship these either.
Me: But... they're empty! It's just air. And... nitrogen? It's, like, almost 80% of the atmosphere. There's nothing dangerous about nitrogen, even if it were pure.
FedEx guy: They look too much like bomb-making materials.
Me [going into dumbfounded mode]: Bomb... Neon? What? Is there anything here I can legally ship? How about this bottle of tap water?

I hand him a bottle of Certainty (tagline, "For when it's preferable to think you know more"), which looks like this:

FedEx guy: Nope. It still looks too suspicious, too much like bomb-making materials.
Me: But it's "Certainty." That's not even a thing. I just made that up. [That's not strictly true. It's a scientific term/idea, and we sell it alongside bottles of "Uncertainty." But it's like having a bottle labeled "Friendship."]
FedEx guy: It's just too suspicious.

[long pause]

Me [going into post-9/11, TSA-style super-dumbfounded mode]: So what you're saying is you can't ship any sort of containers, even if they're empty? You know that we originally ordered these empty cans and jars from a company, and *they* shipped them to *us*.
FedEx guy: They must have used a different vendor ["vendor"? I can't remember, some word like that, like a "service"].

Which I imagine he said because he couldn't bring himself to say, "It's the *words* that are *on* the containers that are dangerous"—even after I had opened them all and demonstrated the utter harmlessness/emptiness of the containers themselves.

I sympathize with people who aren't making very much and are probably forced to comply with arcane corporate rules and who have to deal with weirdoes coming in with cans labeled "Rocket Fuel." I really do. But... c'mon. How much effort is involved in *not* being part of the common-sense-negating, spirit-crushing, Bush-era fear-slash-stupidity machine? The terrorists win again.

Hopefully, actual terrorists won't learn to wrap their packages at home first. Long story short, I packed them up there at the FedEx counter, with their scissors and tape and some extra bubble wrap I bought, and then I walked down the street to the U.S. Post Office and mailed them from there, all sealed up. We'll see how they fare. I hope they don't have snark-sniffing dogs.

Comments

[Chris]

Paul:

"The pen" as they say, "is mightier than the sword."

Or in this case, the clever copy and graphic design is mightier than the home-made nitrogen fertilizer bomb sent via next-day-air delivery.

[meg ryanstein]

good lord paula you've revealed the defining sentiment of the 21st century: misplaced fear. you should have asked him if he was aware that the ocean now has more plastic than plankton.

[boom]

13 months ago, UPS delivered a box to me that had an open plastic bag filled with unknown white powder and a small metal trowel. It was sent to me in place of the tree ornament I actually ordered. I called UPS, who came back and picked it up; I emailed the shipper, who claimed they never sent it. I still don't know what it was, but apparently it wasn't anthrax since I am not yet dead.
Lesson #1: Ship whatever the hell you want to, via UPS.
Lesson #2: Security is only a new name for authority in the hands of idiots.

[dln]

You should remember, that to the people who use fear to control "the masses", words are indeed the most dangerous implements. That's been proven time and time again, in far more oppressive states than here.

They're just trying to nip it in the bud, so the commons/voters drop those silly habit of writing and thinking. And most of all communicating with one another.

Intellectual (and to lesser extent, physical) isolation is imperative to maintain a fear-controlled society.

It starts with restricting/discouraging travel. Then imported goods. Then of course words and language themselves.

See, even you used the term "Post 9/11 world", a construct designed for emotional impact where there should be none.

From their perspective they acted absolutely right. 826 do indeed spread "bomb" making equipment among the people. And the bombs are of the most dangerous kind - creative thought and different perspective.

[Thomas Palmer]

Dude, those products looks cool whether it is legit or not. Is there any way I could purchase a few items? I will bookmark this page and check back.

[Thomas Palmer]

hmm... just e-mail me instead, my names seems to have turned into a link.

[Fedex was right]

Maybe the Fedex guy realized your humor was extremely lame and childish. Be proud you used the Post Office, chump.

[CurToast]

To be fair, gravity plays a big role in a number of air disasters. And 9/11 wouldn't've been nearly as devastating were it not for the effect of gravity. Refusal to ship something with such a background seems entirely reasonable, doesn't it?

[dank]

yes, indeed, is there any way to place a mail order? the website doesn't seem to have any links, just a flyer for a physical store.

i would love me a big bottle of certainty and uncertainty.

[missakins]

I am very sorry that you got a lame Fedex employee. I love this, and would have helped you ship them (I'm a courier for them).

The only package I've refused lately is the one that contained pieces of bricks that a guy was shipping to a Nigerian scammer.

[J]

I visited the Brooklyn Superhero Supply store (the 826 project in Brooklyn) a couple years back, and at the airport on the way home was made to throw away two cans of "antimatter" and a can of stuff supposed to turn you into a mermaid. I should have known better, I guess; antimatter is highly unstable!

[K]

By keeping the risk on you, he avoids greater risk for himself from his even-more-stupid superiors.

[Paul]

Hey, I'm looking into how to get product. The store still hasn't set up any sort of e-commerce site, but that might be happening. I'll figure out what's what and post that here.

Dude, the anti-matter and mermaid conversion-juice story is awesome. Glad to know that all the 826s are causing trouble.

[samantha]

I don't know, Paul, you are a pretty suspicious looking character. Were you looking particularly shifty that day?

[Paul]

I was wearing that one wool blazer with the "I AM A SPACE TERRORIST" patch sewn below the pocket. So, you know, you tell me.

[Brad K.]

I maintain a website for PowderInc.com. They sell black powder (gunpowder) for recreational shooters -- muzzleloader target and hunting shooters, re-enactors, etc. and some cannon fans that like the big booms. But PowderInc.com is a licensed distributor.

There is a scene that comes to mind as I consider my suggestion: In the movie 'Flags of Our Fathers', a sergeant walks into the unit tent, and demands 'make sure you all have your masturbation papers in order', and the greenest kid there says he never got the word. The sergeant tells him to go to the admin officer and tell him he needs to sign his masturbation papers, 'he may call you an idiot, but do not leave until you sign those papers!'.

So. Contact the ATF, since the FedEx guy is concerned about bomb-making materials. Explain the problem. Ask for a license to ship your materials, and get them classified as non-hazardous to prevent hazardous material shipping charges and limits. While you may convince the ATF that you are not selling hazardous stuff, if they license you they may want to do followups, inspections, etc. My advice, even for this class of product, is to always be very serious with these people. Most of them take their work very seriously. Be sure they realize that you know your products are a gag, but that your request, because of the FedEx guy's problem, is *not* a gag.

Besides, you can list the ATF license on your web page, product listings, etc.

And Chris, about the 'pen is mightier than the sword' comment. I keep flashing on the scene in John Cusack's 'Grosse Pointe Blank' where he stabs the bad guy with his ink pen. Graphic, if cliche.

Luck!

[joan cusack]

listen, brad k., if you ever mention my brother's body of work again without ADDITIONAL SUPERLATIVES, i will dismantle your begonias with my dick.

[dennis]

as a fedex employee, i can say that you probably just had an extremely paranoid courier. if you clearly showed him the cans were empty there is no reason why he wouldnt accept shipment. i think you should contact your closest fedex station which is where he is most likely located and report the situation, if you care to get him in trouble. anyway, if i was the one picking up, i wouldve taken it.

[Bruce Arthurs]

Bwahaha, the Postal Service's covert operations branch is proving very effective with their planting of double agents in the bowels of UPS.

Today UPS, tomorrow DHL!

[Jorge]

This is a clear demonstration that the terrorists have won beyond their wildest dreams. They have instilled enough fear into people that the normal course of business is massively disrupted.
Chucking a can of 'anti-matter'. The word anti-matter is enough to make somebody crap their pants although they have no concept of what it is and they do not know that it is impossible to transport, or even put, it in a can because of the whole matter to energy conversion thing.

And when people are afraid, you can make them do anything you want, as long as you promise they'll be safe.

I should have kept going to Magrathea. The monkeys are not funny anymore.

[Bon Jovi]

Holy shit. I can't beleive I actually read that whole thing. How boring.

[liz]

@jorge: it isn't that the terrorists have won, it's that our government has failed us by perpetuating propaganda that benefits their private interests. in either case, the people still lose.

[Stu Savory, Germany]

Down at the pet store they're selling equipment to build your own ant-hill. It includes "ant racks" ;-)

[mxxh]

i thought the whole thing was a sad commentary on the absurdity of security theater until I got near the end and found out that it is actually President Bush's fault.

Thanks goodness that it is actually President Bush who is at fault for everything unpleasant or annoying about daily life.

One wonders how those who despise the President are able to cope with the idea that there may be something, somewhere that is bad and is not his fault.

[Steve]

You've been quoted on Bruce Schneier's blog:
http://www.schneier.com/blog/archives/2007/01/do_terrorists_l.html